Mom Life Tuesday

My two youngest kids are 2 years and  5 days apart. They’re very close and do pretty much everything together. I’ve always got on them about being kind to each other and sticking together no matter what, because that’s what’s most important to me when it comes to all my kids. Both of them are extremely active and always find creative and productive ways to outlet their energy. I enjoy spending our quality time together doing something hands on or active that usually involves exercising or being outside. Recently I underwent a non life threatening surgery that had me down and out for the past couple of months. It was rough more so for the kids because they’re not use to seeing me bed ridden but mostly because we couldn’t spend our quality time together in our traditional ways. Once I was cleared to resume regular activities I decided to have a day with each child, including my older girls here at home just to have one on one time and show them each some love and my uninterrupted attention. When it was my youngest daughter’s (Amora) turn my son didn’t take to it well. His feelings were legitimately hurt at the thought of not going somewhere or doing something with his sister because he wasn’t invited. Amora tried assuring him that he can have a day of his own or could have a boys day with his dad but Nio wasn’t having it. He didn’t throw a tantrum or display any behaviors that needed to be addressed with discipline or anything but it was clear his feelings were hurt. I pulled him aside and sat him down to discuss his feelings and why he was feeling them, it all boiled down to him not understanding why his sister didn’t want him around even if it was just for a day. His little mind couldn’t grasp the concept of a girls day or one on one time. “Every time I want to go somewhere I always ask her if she wants to come too even if she says no” he said with his face looking down at the floor with the cutest sad little voice. It was the truth though. Anytime he wanted to go somewhere with me or his father he always invited her to join each and every time. I tried my best to steer his thought process into the direction of rationality and clarity which 9 times out of 10 works but that day was part of that 1 out of 10 times where it didn’t. He just couldn’t  understand why his same energy and consideration that he always granted his sister wasn’t being reciprocated back to him and couldn’t get past how hurt that made him feel. I had to take a step back and really analyze the situation and strategize my next plan of action. I could’ve just let it go and left with his sister but the hesitation I intuitively felt was too strong to ignore. If I went ahead with that plan of action I’d be teaching both of them hypocrisy. It would teach my daughter it’s acceptable not to reciprocate sincere love and consideration shown to her  which ultimately could lead to her not being appreciative in the future teaching her it’s ok to feel entitled to expect that type of treatment from others without appreciation or giving back in return. By letting the situation go and doing nothing it would teach my son how it’s ok for people to take him for granted no matter how sincere his intentions and considerations are leaving him vulnerable to becoming a people pleaser susceptible to bread crumbing behaviors of bare minimum efforts from others in the future which could possibly effect his self esteem and self worth. Most people would say I looked too deep into the situation but I feel that’s what’s wrong with the world today. People aren’t taught how to look into situations to use the basic critical thinking skills necessary to best prepare them for life. Most people like to brush poor behaviors (including lack of consideration) and selfish thought processes under rugs, yet expect be coddled as a way to deflect taking accountability for their actions especially when specific behaviors, thought processes, and actions are exposed. I pulled Amora to the side and told her how her brother was feeling and why he felt the way he did, but I didn’t tell her what to do because I wanted her to see and think about the situation from both perspectives and see what she’d decide on her own. She said it was fair for him to come but she really wanted time with me. “I’ll go tell him to get dressed” she said but I noticed the disappointment in her eyes. After she told him I pulled her to the side again and told her after we got back from having a day out and about her and I will go get ice cream together just us two. My son hates ice cream so I knew for a fact he would’ve passed on that anyway. The three of us ended up having a great day running basic errands I wasn’t able to run for the past couple of months. During our one on one time at our local ice cream shop I told Amora how proud I was for doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard but I promise because of the type of people we are and where our ancestors came from it’ll always be worth it I told her. Always operate with integrity baby I added. We hung outside the shop for a while laughing and talking about the silliest things genuinely enjoying each other’s company. Without a doubt, moving forward, I’ll definitely work on teaching my son how its ok to need space from others from time to time because I don’t want him to be clingy or have codependent issues growing up that could effect his ability having healthy and balanced relationships in the future. On the other hand I’ll also work on teaching Amora how to have and maintain healthy balance of how to effectively consider others feelings without compromising her personal needs and boundaries. Mom life.