With as much work I’ve put in myself and having such an undeniable transformation mentally, emotionally, and physically I can honestly say I’m in a healthy state and position to responsibly date. The only problem is I’m not sure I’m interested anymore. The past couple of years, the carrot dangled in between my eyes to fight through the different stages of healing was the incentive to experience that one true love we all notoriously know exists in fairytales and chick flicks. I’ve dedicated myself day in and day out to fight through the stages of spiritual awakenings, dark nights of the soul, and all the shadow work it took to realize and change uncomfortable and unflattering things about myself that needed to be changed for me to elevate and grow. As a former people pleaser, I was delusional with my perception of why I needed to continuously please people my whole life. I had to unlearn things I was conditioned to learn since childhood that limited me to thinking my obligation to please others was a determining factor of my worth. I had an urgent sense to create feelings of comfort, acceptance, and love for others. Eventually, I could only feel those feelings by giving them because I never knew what it was like to receive them beyond the bare minimum. Learning, understanding, and embracing the power of setting and upholding boundaries taught me to cope with the discomfort I felt by creating the same feelings of comfort, acceptance, and love I always gave to others by giving it myself until it eventually became a fix that turned into a habit. I quickly learned it took less energy to maintain this fix-turned-habit than it ever did to give it away. I started learning new ways to soothe and nurture myself in my own company eventually I no longer missed having or wanted toxic people with ill intentions and negative perspectives about me around me. It’s like my eyes finally opened to where I was able to see myself for who I always felt I was and appreciate the hard work it took to finally project that reflection freely onto the world. I found peace and tranquility in this freedom of being unapologetically myself I realized my energy and worth elevated to a new currency people pretend they can afford to exchange equally but can’t. Realizing this sparked a recreation of myself so sacred it just doesn’t feel right to offer my energy or self romantically to anyone who isn’t willing to prove themselves worthy of it.
The truth is I was so excited and enthusiastic to heal just to rush to a magical state of delusion, thinking I could finally experience the possibility of finding a happily ever after in a partner I didn’t really understand that old memo that always read the prize of living happily ever after was in me all along. For whatever reason I couldn’t put together it meant it was in me to create instead of handed to me with an entitled mindset that crippled me with the expectation I didn’t have to work to find, create, or maintain it. Right now, in terms of people, most problems stem from negative perspectives that are based on sulking over problems that limit us from our desires and enable codependency to latch onto excuses instead of problem-solving. People nowadays would much rather find an audience to support the complaint behind the constant continuation of problems because it’s easier to rally behind faulting everything and anything you can instead of taking self-accountability and making changes for the better. In my journey, I actually took the time to address how I could never value my own authenticity and kind nature because I didn’t understand how rare those traits are in a world where people are degraded and deemed replaceable in all aspects the lives we live. The more quantity is prioritized, the lower the characteristic quality becomes in people. We’re living in an era where people are replaceable because no one was taught or understands how to invest time or thought to go within themselves to ask them what it is they’re even looking for as they continuously replace and devalue partners or lovers like daily outfits you throw in a hamper to rewash at the end of the week. People rush to chase scenarios and a quick rush of temporary feelings like adrenaline, yet don’t understand why they always end up unfulfilled and unstable in their thoughts and emotions in the end. As an individual with newfound enlightenment and a sense of awareness, I don’t want anything to do with the world in an intimate or romantic sense because all I want is to maintain the love and peace I found within myself.
In many ways, I feel like I finally made it to the day of the marathon I’ve trained so long and so diligently for. It’s like finally being in position at the start line, preparing to start running. As a gunshot goes to signify the marathon has begun, I’m looking to my left and to my right, watching others around me trot along, starting off the run while I’m standing in the chaos, realizing I don’t even want to be there let alone run knowing I’d rather find a peaceful and scenic trail or go to the beach to spend the day walking for miles and hours enjoying the nature with the peace and tranquility of my thoughts and company being the treasure that I am. I’d rather take my time and enjoy life and all the scenic moments of it instead of rushing to find a needle in a haystack and turning around and competing to keep it. Instead, I’ll take my chances being a needle living her best life, knowing whoever finds me and sees me for who I am and what I’m worth would love nothing more than to cherish and keep me.
Leave a Reply