Introspection Thursday

A nice perk to working on character development and self-discovery is once you start to heal from past traumas and insecurities and love yourself for the unique qualities that make you who you are while developing a deep sense of peace within yourself. It’s a sense of peace so deep you feel the need to prioritize protecting it by any means necessary, even if it means being alone. In fact, the depths and serenity of this peace redefine any negative misconceptions of the word and what it means to be or feel alone. Maybe it was the way I was raised where every time I did something wrong, any consequence I endured was always to the extreme because the objective was to make me look problematic to cover up the fact that I was actually being abused that caused me to develop a sense of anxiety and extremity when it comes to self-discipline and personal dialogue. With my unhealthy and toxic internal dialogue, thought patterns, and limiting beliefs, I would often find my anxiety and extremity to self-discipline being triggered anytime I tried to see myself in a positive light because, secretly, I didn’t feel worthy enough to be anything other than an egg faced monster who needed to be disciplined to the extreme for the past and all mistakes made then and presently. I lacked self-compassion, let alone direction on how to allow myself to feel vulnerable to receive compassion from myself, let alone from others. Now that I understand where it stems from and learned how to heal from my ugly past, I learned how to outlet that harsh self-discipline and harsh dialogue into training both at the gym and on my beloved peloton bike
hence, memoirs of a single peloton rider posts on my social media. Memoirs of a single peloton rider started as a way for me to document where I was with my mental and emotional health as I decided to devote a healthier sense of discipline to my physical health while tracking my growth for references whenever I or anyone questioned my growth and progress in the future. It was an accountability tool I used to keep myself from giving up during this part, the hard part that requires action and change during my healing journey. I quickly learned in order to maintain the fragile and newfound peace in my life, I had to be ok with truly cutting people or situations off that posed any threat of disrupting it. This also entailed allowing myself to find and feel compassion within myself by being confident in who I am and understanding the value and worth I have as an individual for all the things I’ve experienced and overcome, the good, bad, and ugly. I had to accept that for me to continue to obtain and maintain my newfound peace, it had to be at the expense of a hefty sacrifice that would be both extremely painful and difficult to deliver. I had to sacrifice my old behavior patterns, thought, and belief patterns and relinquish the person I was who only knew the exposure to a life of toxicity, cruelty, and abuse. I knew I had to part ways knowing the person I used to be who experienced so much hell needed to be put to rest for a new, healthy, strong, and prosperous version of me to be birthed through change and habit and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy because these things never are. I know it’s a bit juvenile,, but I honored old with a proper goodbye. I decided to look through my old Facebook account, which had old photos throughout the years that held the dark secret of the state of my mental health as I resisted old memories those photos and old posts triggered. I found an old playlist in my YouTube archives of songs I used to resonate with that related to the pain and emptiness I felt, be it via lyrics, melody, or artist, to the point where I felt overwhelmed with both sadness and anger at the fact no-one cared enough to even ask let alone listen if I was ok. I don’t know where the idea came from, but I imagined seeing the person, my old self in the old photos who looked exhausted, drained, and sickly to me, laying in a hospital bed on life support for the new me fresh on the journey to proactively heal and change for the better to say a final goodbye before pulling the plug. The one thing I distinctly remember was the burning in my chest as my heart broke into a million pieces thinking of all the injustice I went through since childhood that would have to go unnoticed and unserved once I pulled that plug for all the abuse and trauma I endured and forced myself to take accountability for even though I was well aware they weren’t my fault. I imagined kissing my old self on the forehead before finally pulling the plug, vowing to become the most integral version of myself I could be in all situations, even if it meant righting a wrong I managed to find myself in. I vowed to never let the innocence of not having the proper guidance or protection too go in vain by resorting to any of the toxic behaviors, thought patterns, or negative beliefs that resembled being a product of my old self’s environment of misfortune and unfortunate circumstances and to be an example of positivity and change for the better I’d want my old self to look up to. I decided to sit in the energy of mourning for my old self, but I can’t explain my thought process as to why other than I felt that’s what I needed to do. I even went as far as wearing all black for 3 days as I moped around, grieving the health of my old self nobody outside of my children truly appreciated, not even me. I never told anyone why I was so somber those few days, and since I wear black regularly, no one thought anything of it, let alone paid any attention. I can honestly say people took notice once I started to uphold the honor for the death of my old self and old ways once I started to uphold boundaries, I was too scared or didn’t have the heart or backbone to uphold them. Quickly, the people who were taking advantage or came into my life intending to take advantage of my kindness and newfound sense of peace suddenly took notice once they realized the healthy change I made in myself called me ruthless, cold, or heartless when it’s quite the contrary. Surrendering to the commitment of redefining and relearning my own self-love, worth, and integrity at the sacrifice of my old self and relinquishing the only life I knew was something too meaningful and sacred to regress or abandon. I’d only dishonor my new self by letting my old self’s suffering and pain go in vain by allowing my boundaries or self-respect to ever be crossed again. I love and value myself enough to choose to do right by myself by all integral means necessary, even if it means entirely walking away from someone or something toxic, because I’d rather the pain from the heartbreak of someone’s absence over the pain of someone’s presence violating me in any capacity ever again. And I’ll gladly stand firm, confident, and in my newfound peace, even if it means standing alone.