Two years ago, I was deathly afraid of turning 40. Looking back at all the reasons I can’t help but giggle and feel silly for being a bit overdramatic. I’m unsure if it was just the culture or the environment I grew up in. Still, ever since I was a little girl, all the women I encountered growing up dreaded the age of 40 to the extent I’d regularly get lectured about how I needed to take good care of myself because once my youth was gone, I’d be deemed old and undesirable. Then we have the immense impact social media also had on my anxiety, especially with the new era of men’s mentality that women over 30, have had previous relationships, or worse, have children, are considered damaged goods and also deemed worthless and undesirable. One can only imagine how scared I was to be a 38-year-old woman newly separated from her husband at the time with not just one but five kids. It was pretty rough.
Over the last couple of years alone, not only have I learned a lot, but both the internal and external transformation I’ve undergone was something serious. I look back at old pictures and videos of myself and almost didn’t realize how much growth was done. I managed to find a pathway through my biggest fear and insecurity while maintaining the authenticity of my softness as a woman simply by being myself and staying true to who and what I am by owning my virtues just as much as I was forced to own my flaws. As I looked back at old pictures and videos, memories of how I used to feel and how hard I cried those far and few times from how broken and insecure I felt as I ran around in panic from not having a clear, directed. Visible pathway for me to find my way out of back then. I knew it was going to be tough. Still, I knew I had to find the strength to get through so I redirected my focus on envisioning myself to be everything I wished I could be (within reason and practicality). I went to work implementing the changes in my behavior, mentality, and lifestyle to not only live up to my vision or a fragmented temporary image of the vision but embodying and becoming it. The work it entailed and required was hard and in the beginning I did struggle with my commitment to at least fake it till I make it in the beginning but over time the fight and work I put in became easier by the week. Eventually the work became so easy and habitual that now, 2 years later, it’s effortless and instinctual and part of a self care daily routine.
Just the other day I was sitting in my car trying to regain my breath after one of my beast modes of a HIIT workout I like pushing myself to do. I turned the rearview mirror so I could see my face and how much my hair frizzed up from all the sweat I had worked up. For the first time in my life I looked at my flushed face and admired myself including the imperfections of blemishes and dark circles under my eyes. I looked at my reflection and thought how for a woman my age who doesn’t wear make up aside from special occasions, with all the hardships and stress I’ve been through how beautiful I am and how beautiful I freely and confidently feel. As I started up my car and drove home I thought about all the negative posts I’ve encountered over the years and all the negative comments I was told suggesting I should feel and accept the degradation from being deemed as “damaged goods” or undesirable. Instead of feeling the typical shame or anger I secretly suppressed for the first time I felt overwhelmed with compassion and a sincere sense of pride in myself. The guilt of where I came from and who I was in the past was no longer there and so far hasn’t been felt since. I don’t like to let my emotions overwhelm me to the point of tears but on occasion I will cry for a moment or two before reminding myself tears are a temporary relief to problems that need to be addressed head on and in full force in order to fix them properly. More so than not though, my eyes will water and my nose will turn red before I force myself to suck up whatever is bothering me and suppress it until I have the time to think of a logical solution or even explanation as to why and what it is I’m really feeling. It’s a precautionary limit I gave myself as far as expressing sadness or grief I struggle to control. On this day driving home in my car giant tears rolled down my face before being wiped away with the sleeve to the hoody I took off and had on my passengers seat. I allowed myself to weep because for once it was a release of gratitude, appreciation, and love for the person I am and I’ll I’ve fought so hard to become. It was almost like I experienced a sudden and unexpected encounter of judgment and passing without preparation or studying for the unexpected exam. I wept healing and happy tears for the progress I made and the fight I put up no-one else saw or even realized. I know I’m far from the idea of perfection regarding everything I think I should be and exactly where I am compared to where I want to be in life, and I’ll openly admit that without hesitation. However I’m damn proud of how far I’ve come to be where I am, how I got here, and of my character and integral development. I lived my life leading by example teaching my kids how they too have what it takes to not only find but create their own pathway regardless of the odds or statistics life unlawfully and unjustly provides simply by consistently choosing to do and move towards what they feel is right no matter how in the wrong they may find themselves to be regardless if it’s in their own actions or a circumstance. I may have five kids but I busted my ass to raise five wonderful, beautiful, and noble kids who aren’t afraid to live their lives being true to who they are and knowing their true self worth. I may be single but I worked through and healed enough to where I found a sense of completion. I may be turning 40 this year but I took such great care of myself that I look 10-12 years younger; I’m in the best shape of my life, and even still I’m all around an absolute prize any man should feel honored to be matched with in whatever way and time the universe destines. I’m at the point where I’m able to conquer this new stage of my life with my head held high knowing how hard I fought and worked to keep the dimming light inside alive all the while not even realizing how much of a star I am and always have been.
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