Ever since my son was an infant he was quite a pain in the ass to understand and deal with. I’ve always said if he came first or any earlier, he would have been the last because of how complicated that boy was. It took me a while to figure out how sensitive he was and his ability to pick up on things like energy, emotions, and overall vibes from other people in his environment. He was always intuitively aware and in tune with things, most kids aren’t taught to understand or even encourage to express, very much like his four older sisters. The difference between him and them is how he lacked the emotional capacity and capability to clearly express himself in the ways his sisters did during their toddler stages. He would get so frustrated trying to communicate or express himself that he would always separate himself from others and be content on his own. If he wasn’t allowed the space he needed or desired he would shut down and throw random fits where nothing could console him. It would frustrate me to the point where I felt I had no choice but to let him be until he was able to get past or overcome whatever was troubling him which was often as simple as someone in his space when he wanted solitude, which happened a few times a day, almost every day. I lost track of all the times other moms inputted their unsolicited two cents to tell me how I was being too soft with what I tolerated from him or how I enabled his behavior with a lack of discipline. I always let it roll off my back because I refuse to heed advice from anyone who displayed let alone had children of their own displaying behaviors, mannerisms, or characteristics that I felt weren’t anything to be modeled after to begin with. When it came to my son, basic disciplinary actions didn’t work for him. He didn’t understand being disciplined because I couldn’t get him to understand why he was being disciplined or that certain behaviors such as fits and tantrums weren’t appropriate ways of expression. Disciplining him with the typical time outs, scoldings, or even the occasional spankings on his pampered behind only triggered these fits because he lacked the ability to piece together the fact that his actions were a result of these things when he lacked the cognitive ability to understand even his own actions and emotions. He honestly thought I was expressing fits similar to his and by me being angry or stern similar to what he was doing, he was mirroring my behaviors and emotions, and applying them to his world as a standard to set upon himself. Once I came to that realization, I began to boggle my brain and work on possible solutions to better approach the situation to not only get to know him better (with my new understanding of what was happening) but also to properly guide him on how to correct his behavior and thought process.
Living in military housing for so many years while managing the consistent instability that comes with being married to a sailor such as duty days, TADs, under-ways, and of course, deployments took its toll. I found myself having anxiety from being in an environment of constant cattiness over things that gives status stature like how long a person’s service member spouse has been that always would get trumped by the status of another’s spouse’s rank. Then dealing with the idea of being in such tight proximity of competitive stature stays hungry people who engaged in childhood tactics for attention of any type or to try and manipulate friendships to burden someone with the intention of making them your babysitter paying them less than to be expected from a certified daycare and with the expectation of being a full-time nanny robot. Not only did I feel anxiety but the pressure of managing everything at home on my own on top of the stress in my own neighborhood was starting to become too much to mask on a level just to function normally on a routine. Once I saw the developmental effect it was having on my son on top of all of the emotional effects things started to become for my older children (I’ll discuss this at a later time) I knew in order to change my behavior and mindset to be able to effectively lead and teach my kids) I needed to change the environment. I found a house where I really saw myself being able to obtain the vision of being the mother my kids collectively and individually needed and deserved me to be for them to be the best versions of themselves I will always see them to be. I started paying attention to the details that would reflect in their mirror, especially with my son who only knew the overwhelmed and stressed version of me he already imitated. Because of how observant my son was I decided to focus on teaching him empathy and how to navigate through his emotions and thought processes with compassion for himself in hopes he would be able to understand to always share the same compassion with others. I had to come up with a new standard he could always carry with him and set himself to which contributes to his wanting to be a gentleman. So far it seems to be working. Now when people see him who have known him as a toddler tell me it’s like he isn’t even the same kid with how drastic of a difference he is in his mannerisms. He’s now 7 and in the 1st grade and I have yet to have a single behavioral issue of him being anything other than the respectful and well-behaved stud muffin he is. My advice for any parent (especially first-time parents) when it comes to raising your children is first and foremost to establish boundaries that will prohibit negativity and stress be it with other people, the environment, or both. Allow yourself to find space within yourself to find love and peace within yourself to obtain the confidence you need to be able to develop and trust your parental intuition when it comes to your child or children. There isn’t a magic one size fits all plan when it comes to parenting because if there were there would be fewer shitty people out there in the world. Mistakes are inevitable. Mistakes are necessary because they’re opportunities that guide us on how to continue forward while making things right. Also, as a heads up it’s best to pick one color sock to commit yourself to buy the entire duration of their childhood and adolescence because no matter what you do or say, you’ll always end up with an endless supply of missing and mismatched socks. Mom Life.
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